Roosh V’s Valentine’s Dating Guide
Wednesday, February 10, 2016 at 2:06PM
Cheese Grater Magazine

"Hey ladies." 

1. The first thing you need to do is choose your date from your overstuffed rolodex – remember to exclude the ones who have restraining orders out on you.

 

2. Before your date, trim your beard and slick back your hair, but leave one strand free so that she knows you don’t really care.

 

3. Carry a big phone in your pocket so that when she says “Is that a phone in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?” you’ll know that she’s thinking about your dick. Also you can tell her she’s wrong, so she’ll feel bad about herself.

 

4. Pick her up ten minutes late so she feels insecure and thinks you were doing something fun without her, even if you were just fapping in your mom’s basement.

 

5. Wait until she reaches for the door of your mom’s car, but when she tries to get in, drive forward a little bit. Repeat until water comes out of her eyeholes.

 

6. Take her to Denny’s. Take every date to Denny’s. It has the advantage of both selling a lot of bacon and being open for breakfast, lunch and dinner, so you can fit at least seven dates into a single day.

 

7. If a waiter serves you, make a comment about your date’s breasts and high-five him in the face so that she knows you’re an alpha male. If a waitress serves you, slip her your number in full view of your date. If possible, pay the waitress to flirt with you beforehand, so that your date can see how desirable you are.

 

8. If the waiter tries to address any questions directly to your date, loudly sing the lyrics to ‘Teenage Dirtbag’ to cover up what they’re saying, and then decide for her.

 

9. If she manages to order for herself, ask the waiter how many calories her chosen dish has, and suck air between your teeth loudly until she chooses the Denny’s Avocado Chicken Caesar Salad with no avocado, chicken, bacon, cheese or dressing.

 

10. For yourself, order the Denny’s Grand Slamwich®, and eat it slowly whilst staring directly into her eyes to hint at your sexual prowess.

 

11. If she offers to pay some of the bill, laugh sarcastically for five minutes. Then pay with your mom’s Amex so that your date knows she will never be the number one woman in your life.

 

12. Drive your date home, leaving the interior light on to ensure that she doesn’t play with the stereo or the windows.

 

13. In my experience, one of two things normally happens at this point. The first is that you pull up to you date’s home and realise that it’s also your home, and you’ve actually been on a date with your mom. The second is that you open the car door and a tiny rodent scurries out, and it turns out that your date was actually a vole all along.

 

 

Article originally appeared on The Cheese Grater - "A Diamond in a Sea of Shit" (http://cheesegratermagazine.org/).
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